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| Carnation Evaporated Milk The next time you open a can of Carnation evaporated milk for your recipes, just smile and think of this. A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all." She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation 'LOVED' your entry so much, that even though we will not be able to use it, we are here to award you a consolation prize of $1000, that we've made available just for the originality of your entry. Here is her original entry:- "Carnation milk is best of all, no tits to pull, no hay to haul no buckets to wash, no shit to pitch, just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch." |
| HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH 1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine. 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls-- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed Him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. "Cooter |
| Al Gore and Bill and Hillary Clinton go to Heaven. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?'' Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now.'' God thinks for a second and says: "Very good. Come and sit at my left.'' God then addresses Bill. 'Bill, what do you believe in?'' Bill replies: 'I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.'' God thinks for a second and says: "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.” Then God addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?'' She replies: "I believe you're in my chair.'' |
| The Pond An Irish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking out of a pond. The Irish farmer shouted: "Paid a yfed a dwr, maer gwerthin wedi cachu un a for." Which in Gaelic means: "Don't drink the water the cows have shit in it." The man shouts back: "I'm a muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English." The Irish farmer says: "Use two hands, it holds more"!!! |
| Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. |
| Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder . 1) The DNA is all the same 2) There's no dental records |
| Who invented the toothbrush ? . . A Redneck. (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been called a teeth brush.) |
| A new Redneck law was just recently passed . When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins. |
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| Political Correctness Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end. |
| Bar Room Economics Suppose that every day, ten people go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this: The first four (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would pay $1. The sixth would pay $3. The seventh would pay $7. The eighth would pay $12. The ninth would pay $18. The tenth (the richest) would pay $59. So, that's what they decided to do. The ten drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20." Drinks for the ten now cost just $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get their "fair share"? They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everyone's share, then the fifth and the sixth would each end up being paid to drink their beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each drinker's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so: The fifth person, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings). The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings). The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings). The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings). The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings). The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings). Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the drinkers began to compare their savings. "I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth. She pointed to the tenth man, "but he got $10!" "Yes, that's right," exclaimed the fifth. "I only saved a dollar too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I did" "That's true!!" shouted the seventh. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks" "Wait a minute," yelled the first four in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor" The nine drinkers surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill. And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier. For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible! |
